A Tale of Insanity
by lightofeilia
Summary: In the aftermath of time compression, suddenly Ultimecia doesn't seem like such a big mess after all... (instead of making a mountain out of a molehill, the orphanage gang turns the molehill into a mountain).
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Sometimes, crack just kind of finds its way to your brain and burrows there. And breed. This is the result of said crack. Still ongoing, merely an experiment, don't expect serious things, and above all, enjoy :)

* * *

Uh...

Everyone's probably wondering what's going on. See, I'd explain it if I could, but I only know half of the story, ya know? The rest you gotta talk to someone else, ya know?

**INSANITY. **

Right, she's right, though it didn't start like that way.

See, we'd all been trying to come back to Garden all hush-hush, ya know, 'cause we miss it and all that, even though Seifer didn't want to. I like fishing and all, but ya know, it's kinda _boring._ We were glad to have Seifer back, see, so we just kinda did whatever he wanted to do, but we knew he missed Garden too.

**POSSE.**

Ya, so we went to see Cid after awhile, 'cause he's the one most likely to forgive us and all, plus his wife who didn't really take over Seifer's mind but totally did at some point could kinda maybe vouch for him, ya know? And she did! Real nice and apologetic, she got her way without even getting herself into trouble, and Seifer and Fujin and me were all ready to come back to Garden. No more Disciplinary Committee, but I think we gotta look forward anyway, ya know?

Then we started to get worried a bit about Leonhart and his gang, thinking that maybe he might make life hard for Seifer. We managed to avoid him up until today, and honestly, Squall didn't look like he was up to fight even a Grat, ya know? Kinda ... like he was kinda bummed out, ya know? So Seifer must've thought, man, lookit this high-and-mighty Mr Puberty Boy, didn't get laid last night?

**WRONG.**

Who knew Seifer'd pick the worst day to pick a fight, eh?

**IDIOT!**

Ow!

No, no, no! Man, I'm saying all this wrong. It's _not_ Seifer's fault, I'm telling ya. He picked a fight, yeah he did, but... but... he didn't provoke anyone, ya know? He just ended up in the middle of things, kinda like how we did, ya know? It was already a mess to begin with, and all I know is that it's got something to do with Rinoa, that cowboy guy from Galbadia, and something about a stuffed chocobo.

The cafeteria? I dunno, man, maybe it was the hotdogs, ya know? I'm not sure it's related to Rinoa...

No, no, you misunderstand me, I said Seifer THOUGHT it, not that he SAID it. He didn't say anything to Squall, right Fujin?

**NEGATIVE.**

Anyway, Seifer's just as much a victim as we are, so don't go blaming him for something that ain't his fault. I'm telling you, he DIDN'T pick a fight. He really didn't.

Am I injured? Well, thanks for asking, yea? Would've been nice if you'd ask that in the beginning. I ain't hurt, no, that dog of Rinoa's ain't so bad. She's real friendly if you give her hotdogs, yeah, reaaaaaal friendly. She only bit me because I was trying to get little sunshine girl off of Seifer, ya know?

**IDIOT!**

Ow! Uh, so yeah, can we go now? Gotta help find Seifer anyhow, ya know?

_This is your Acting Commander speaking. All students please remain inside Garden. We are leaving at approximately 1300 hrs. Nida, set our course for Trabia. If you have any information at all regarding today's events, or if you have seen Commander Leonheart, report to the bridge. _


	2. Chapter 2

It's been about two hours since everything happened, but it feels like it's only been five minutes.

...maybe it's just been a really long time since I had time to myself. Alone. Just myself, where it's quiet and peaceful, aside from all of the thinking I do. Selphie says I think too loudly.

...Selphie. I hope she's okay. I haven't seen her this mad since Galbadia fired missiles at Trabia Garden. I'm not surprised if I come back tomorrow and find out that Irvine and Seifer are both dead by explosion -

*beep* *beep* *beep*

...Oh, for fuck's sake. What's wrong now? I had enough trouble taking off... I wish I had paid more attention when Selphie tried to show me how to operate this thing...

"LISTEN, BUSTER!"

What was that?! Is that the radio -

Selphie's face blinks into existence on the screen in front of me.

"Squall, get your _ass _back to Garden right now!"

...Really not an option. How do I turn this off?

"ARE YOU LISTENING? I _NEED_ RAGNAROK. I AM GOING TO HUNT DOWN THOSE SONOFABITCHES AND I WILL RAIN RAGNAROKFIRE DOWN ON THEM SO HARD -"

"Selphie, calm down -"

"- THAT THEY WISH THEY WERE _BORN_ DEAD. NO, QUISTY. I WILL NOT -"

"We can look for them without Ragnarok, they can't have gone far with the Garden Mobile."

"HEAT SEEKING MISSILES. DOES B-GARDEN HAVE HEAT-SEEKING MISSILES? DIDN'T THINK SO!"

Is it this button maybe? Or that one?

"Squall, just come and pick us up, okay?"

"...No." I randomly push a button and Selphie's soon-to-implode face disappears from the screen. Her voice explodes into a stream of expletives I've _never_ heard her use. Dammit, problem not solved. How do I end all communications?!

There's a sound which I think is Selphie's nunchakus hitting something metallic. I don't really want to picture what she looks like right now.

"Selphie! I've been looking all over for - is that Squall?"

Is that Rinoa? Yes, that's Rinoa.

"THAT _WAS_ SQUALL. TOMORROW, HE'LL BE _DEAD-SQUALL_. DEAD-DEAD-DEAD -"

"Squall, have you seen Angelo? I've been looking for him everywhere -"

"NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR STUPID DOG."

"Selphie!"

_Bark. Bark bark bark bark grrr bark woof. _

I now have new information to present Garden with - The effects of petrifying animals wears off after 2 hours, half the time it normally takes for the effects to wear off of humans.

Fuck. I start praying fervently to Hyne that Selphie's screaming will drown that out.

...Dead silence, of course. I morbidly wonder if Rinoa had casted Silence on Selphie and Quistis to achieve this effect, since Selphie did say she didn't care about the dog...

Dammit, now I will have to face not only the wrath of Selphie, but the wrath of Rinoa as well.

"Squall," I hear her say in a dangerously sweet voice.

"...What?" I answer in a voice that I'm pretty sure wouldn't even have fooled Laguna.

_GRR BARK BARK BARK BARK! BARK BARK HOWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLL_

"Why does it sound like Angelo is with you on Ragnarok?"

That's actually a wonderful question, Rinoa. I don't know why. Your dog followed me on board and presented me with a hotdog. A long time ago I would've tossed him off the aircraft. But since I actually kind of care about you ... (and because I was hungry)

"I have to go," I say instead, and start hitting any button I can reach to shut the damn thing off.

_Launching: Heat-seeking missiles. _

Oh shi-


End file.
